Why your most important connection should be with yourself
emphasizing the importance of self-acceptance
Hi! I’m Katie, and I’m a cultural and social psychologist—but you can think of me as your BFF with a PhD. I live in the desert of Texas alongside the cacti, roadrunners, and horned lizards. If you’re looking to understand your inner landscape and the whirlwind of the world around you, I hope you find something of value here. Make sure to subscribe—and you won’t miss a beat! Thank you so much for being here.
It’s well-documented that we, as humans, need to belong.
We need connection.
We need others.
Yet, it's crucial to belong to ourselves first.
This is fundamental to finding belonging in our lives.
We have bought into the lie that we can only find our sense of connection and value in others.
We overlook the ripe opportunity to give this gift to ourselves.
You may find yourself in relationships built on weaponized belonging.
You may find yourself unfairly branded or typecasted.
Additionally, groups and individuals may dehumanize you for who you are, what you believe, or questions you may raise.
We can build a strong foundation for healthy connection with others by first loving and accepting ourselves.
This can be a protective barrier when we encounter rejection, ostracization, and even dehumanization.
THE VERY REAL POWER OF DEHUMANIZATION
Perhaps you have already experienced this scenario: someone is upset with you for what you believe, how you behave, and who you want to become.
They have typecasted you as "the bad guy" for asking questions or showing up as your authentic self.
They have branded you as "wrong," "a troublemaker," "bitter," "angry," or "unreasonable," and it has led you to develop a negative reputation in your community.
You may have even experienced this on a larger cultural scale, where you were dehumanized within a system, either an institution, a family, or a friend group.
You were labeled as “a monster” or even “crazy” for thinking or believing the way you do.
One example is when institutions or cultural groups identify other person groups as "animals" or "aliens."
This is a telltale sign that dehumanizing is happening.
These labels strip away a person's humanity by using language that implies they are less than human.
You may have experienced this due to something you have expressed, thought, or shared.
It's imperative to always remain true to yourself, even in the face of dehumanization.
THE IMPORTANCE OF BELONGING
Belongingness theory is one of my favorite theories in social psychology.
It argues that we all have an innate need to belong, and we must satisfy that need to be healthy and whole humans.
This theory emphasizes the significance of social connections, relationships, intimacy, and people.
Connection with others is important.
It is vital.
However, belongingness theory also highlights that our need to belong can be satisfied in many ways.
We may initially envision belongingness as deep, intimate relationships.
However, research has also shown that one's need to belong can ebb and flow throughout one's life.
Perhaps your need to belong is currently being met through your weekly book club or the online community you are a part of.
We mustn't put "belonging" into a box that is rigidly defined.
Belonging can be found in many different shades and situations.
Belonging can be met by accepting ourselves.
Accepting, validating, affirming, and belonging to ourselves may work to fill that cup and help satisfy our innate need to belong.
It can also protect us when others reject or fall short of our attempts to find belongingness with others.
YOU BELONG EVERYWHERE
Brene Brown referenced Maya Angelou in her book Braving the Wilderness.
It’s a beautiful story where she recalls an interview she once heard with Angelou.
During the interview, Maya stated,
"You are only free when you realize you belong no place–you belong every place–no place at all."
Angelou's wisdom highlights that true freedom comes from acknowledging that you don't belong solely in one place.
One person alone does not hold the key to your belonging.
Instead, you belong in all places.
Once we learn how to belong to ourselves, we can find our belonging anywhere.
Even when we are being rejected, typecasted, dehumanized, we can still find belonging in ourselves.
We are always with ourselves, even amidst social interactions and situations that may deny our humanity.
Yet, wherever we find ourselves, we always belong.
When you embrace this, you are given the gift to feel a sense of belonging no matter where you are or who you are with—in fact, you can feel that sense of belonging everywhere.
BELONG TO YOURSELF
When you affirm, validate, love, and accept yourself, you grant yourself permission to be who you truly are.
This allows you to move and navigate the world from a place of authenticity based on the truth of your soul and identity.
It's important to explore who you are, who you want to be, and then stand confidently in who you are.
When we're secure in our identity, we no longer crave approval from others.
We no longer feel the need to compete for recognition.
We no longer find ourselves giving way to weaponized belonging or shapeshifting just to fit in.
Instead, we become accepting, affirming, loving, and valuing of ourselves.
This level of self-love comes at a cost, though.
It requires a deep sense of belonging to oneself, ultimately demanding we show up to the world as our authentic, true selves.
This may open us to rejection, typecasting, or dehumanization.
But, it doesn’t make us vulnerable to it.
While the price of belonging may seem steep, and the thought of being typecast and rejected can be unnerving, the reward is invaluable.
We now belong to ourselves and we belong anywhere, everywhere.
KNOWING YOURSELF ALLOWS YOU TO BELONG TO YOURSELF
To achieve this, we must first spend some time exploring the idea of belonging to ourselves before anyone else.
This can be challenging, especially if we have struggled with self-concept, identity, or esteem.
Sometimes we may question what we truly believe.
We may not know who we truly are.
We may have a history that feels messy and full of mistakes.
Yet, it's essential to acknowledge and accept all of the parts of ourselves, even the messy ones.
We all have messes in our lives, and that's okay.
By accepting, affirming, and embracing our past, we can fully belong to ourselves.
In her book, Braving the Wilderness, Brené shares another encounter with Viola Davis, where Viola reflects on her life experiences.
She emphasizes the importance of belonging to oneself, as she didn't always feel like she belonged in her own family, even during her upbringing.
One quote resonated with me and has stuck with me for years now.
"This is who I am. This is where I am from. This is my mess. This is what it means to belong to myself."—Viola Davis
It reminds me of the concept of identity and the importance of understanding who we truly are.
Knowing who we are lends us to being able to accept ourselves.
Once we can accept ourselves, we can then belong to ourselves.
You are the one person with whom you will spend your entire life—from birth until death.
Why wouldn’t we then be our very own best friends?
So, remember that your life belongs to you and only you!
You are the creator of it!
And, you also belong to you!
So, start living from that deep sense of belonging that already lies within you.
Make sure to read the one where I talk more about the importance of connection and friendship.
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Cover art by Alena Ganzhela used under license