Why it's nice to have a friend
When I think back on the communities I’ve been a part of across my lifetime, some pretty unfulfilling memories come up.
From Mean Girl-esque friend groups to larger communities that required me to believe a certain way to be accepted, I’ve lived my fair share of unhealthy community connection.
I think of “communities” that existed for the sole purpose of fulfilling a requirement or checking a box.
Communities where people came together to meet monthly, claimed to be representing deep and meaningful community, but lacked any real substance or depth at all.
It felt like I was a part of something.
It felt like I should be “connecting”.
Yet—these communities only served a purpose that was one-dimensional.
Scheduled group meetings.
Organized outings.
Placing “membership”.
Yet, the community that was being peddled in these places was not impactful nor sustainable in the long-term.
On the other hand, I think of communities across my lifetime that were, are, so life-giving.
Communities that were formed around true belonging.
Deep meaning.
Love.
Real acceptance.
These communities had the qualities needed to make a difference and persist for the long-term.
My beloved book club of unlikely friends.
My core group of girlfriends in graduate school.
My bestie who always has time for me across the miles—even if we haven’t physically spoken in weeks.
Community has become a bit of a buzzword today in our society.
Everywhere we turn, social groups of all different shades and flavors are offering community and claiming to be cultivating it.
But, are all of these “community” spaces healthy?
Good for us?
Nurturing and bolstering our mental health and well-being?
As a social psychologist, one thing I say often is this:
“Not all community is life-giving community.”
Research has shown time and time again that having community connections is an absolute must for human well-being and flourishing.
Some researchers even put it right up there with nutritious food and clean water.
But, if not all community is the kind of community that’s good for us, if not all community is life-giving community—how do we know what to look for in the connections of our lives?
What is community?
What is friendship?
What makes a good friend?
What makes a bad friend?
What should we be looking for, asking for, in the connections and relationships of our lives?