Why it's nice to have a friend
the hard truth about friendships
Hi! I’m Katie, and I’m a cultural and social psychologist—but you can think of me as your BFF with a PhD. I live in the desert of Texas alongside the cacti, roadrunners, and horned lizards. If you’re looking to understand your inner landscape and the whirlwind of the world around you, I hope you find something of value here. Make sure to subscribe—and you won’t miss a beat! Thank you so much for being here.
When I think back on the communities I’ve been a part of across my lifetime, some pretty unfulfilling memories come up.
From Mean Girl-esque friend groups to larger communities that required me to believe a certain way to be accepted, I’ve lived my fair share of unhealthy community connection.
I think of “communities” that existed for the sole purpose of fulfilling a requirement or checking a box.
Communities where people came together to meet monthly, claimed to be representing deep and meaningful community, but lacked any real substance or depth at all.
It felt like I was a part of something.
It felt like I should be “connecting”.
Yet—these communities only served a purpose that was one-dimensional.
Scheduled group meetings.
Organized outings.
Placing “membership”.
Yet, the community that was being peddled in these places was not impactful nor sustainable in the long-term.
On the other hand, I think of communities across my lifetime that were, are, so life-giving.
Communities that were formed around true belonging.
Deep meaning.
Love.
Real acceptance.
These communities had the qualities needed to make a difference and persist for the long-term.
My beloved book club of unlikely friends.
My core group of girlfriends in graduate school.
My bestie who always has time for me across the miles—even if we haven’t physically spoken in weeks.
Community has become a bit of a buzzword today in our society.
Everywhere we turn, social groups of all different shades and flavors are offering community and claiming to be cultivating it.
But, are all of these “community” spaces healthy?
Good for us?
Nurturing and bolstering our mental health and well-being?
As a social psychologist, one thing I say often is this:
“Not all community is life-giving community.”
Research has shown time and time again that having community connections is an absolute must for human well-being and flourishing.
Some researchers even put it right up there with nutritious food and clean water.
But, if not all community is the kind of community that’s good for us, if not all community is life-giving community—how do we know what to look for in the connections of our lives?
What is community?
What is friendship?
What makes a good friend?
What makes a bad friend?
What should we be looking for, asking for, in the connections and relationships of our lives?
WHAT’S THE MOTIVATION
A great measuring stick for whether a friendship or a community is good for you or bad for you is consider the motivation behind forging that community.
Some communities exist to simply check a box.
Think of a church as an example.
A body of people meet together at a particular time on a particular day of the week.
Yet, deep connection may not always be taking place.
Vulnerability and authenticity are not being exercised.
Several people are occupying the same space for an hour or two, but true connection may not be there.
Some in the group may claim they are a member of a community because they attend these meetings and occupy a seat.
However, we might question if deep rich community is actually taking place in some of these spaces.
What if you are a member of one of these communities and you feel as if you have to agree to a set of beliefs that you aren’t quite yet sure about?
What if you discover that if you openly disagreed with any of these prerequisites, you might get ostracized or rejected from the group?
If that’s the case, what if you begin to feel as if you can’t show up fully as yourself for fear that you might be kicked out of the social group?
Is this community?
Are these relationships true friendship?
WE ALL NEED TO BELONG
Community is vital.
As humans, we need it.
When healthy, it gives us innumerable healthy outcomes.
We need others.
Psychological research has shown that we have an innate need to belong that must be met through our social connections.
In fact, much research in social psychology has shown that loneliness is bad for our mental and physical health.
It affects us negatively.
Loneliness is more unhealthy for you than smoking a pack of cigarettes per day.
It’s incredible to realize that feeling lonely and socially isolated can be related to something as profound as how long you live.
Loneliness has also been shown to be related to chronic fatigue and other chronic physical symptoms.
We want to make sure that we are connected with others and that the communities we are a part of sustain our lives.
Because loneliness does not sustain our lives.
It eats away at our lives.
Yet, as we have noted, community for community’s sake isn’t a perfect prescription for avoiding loneliness.
We can be in a room of people and still feel lonely.
"Communities sustain life."—Bell Hooks
We need connection, yes.
But, we need true, deep, rich and reliable connection.
So, how do we know if we are entering into a friendship or community that is life-giving, not just community for community’s sake?
As you consider the communities in your life, a helpful mantra to adopt may be to follow the life.
I love the above quote from bell hooks.1
It can be a helpful phrase to remember as we are entering—or exiting—communities, relationships, or friendships.
We want to seek out communities that sustain life as bell hooks says in the quote.
When you reflect on the friendships and community connection in your life, ask yourself—is it bringing you life or draining life?
If you find yourself in friendships or communities where life is not being handed to you, think critically about that community and whether or not it's a good place for you to spend your time.
If the essence of who you are is not being cultivated or inspired—instead, the life is being sucked out of you—reconsider if you are experiencing genuine friendship, community and belonging.
UNCONDITIONAL CONNECTION
Here’s another helpful quote from another one of my favorite writers.
Rob Bell says this about the concept of agape:
"Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy. Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love. Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful. Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful."2
Agape is a type of love that has been studied throughout history and while the word is oftentimes used in some religious contexts, its origin is rooted far before the birth of Christianity.
Agape is one of the many different types of love that have been defined in psychological research, medical research, sociology, and historical and sociocultural pieces of art or literature.
The word was first attributed to Homer.
It is this idea of deep, unconditional, friend-like love, but not a superficial friend-like love.
It is deep, unwavering, unconditional love.
As the quote says, agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy.
Instead, the way in which agape loves so well, makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love.
Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful.
You don't have to be all of these things to fit into life-giving communities.
Healthy community spaces allow you to grow.
They encourage you to cultivate your true self.
They offer ground through which you can flourish.
They hand over life-giving support and love.
Along with following the life inspired by bell hooks, using the idea of agape, unconditional love can be a helpful barometer for knowing whether you are experiencing life-giving community or check-the-box community.
BELONGING V. FITTING IN
Here’s another helpful tool from one of my favorite writers and researchers, Brené Brown.
Brown teaches the concept of “belongingness versus fitting in” as a tool to take with you as you consider the social groups, connections, and friendships in your life.
Based on years of research, Brown3 defines true belonging as this:
“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
She goes on to say:
“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other. Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be you, I fit in.”
How are your communities built?
How are your friendships functioning?
Are they based on a prerequisite that you must be like everyone else?
Do you fit in?
Or do you belong?
And get to be unapologetically you?
Instead of saying to yourself, “I just wish I felt as if I fit in somewhere”, shift your expectations to looking for and finding places and spaces where you belong!
CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS
You want healthy social connections in your life that build you up.
Before engaging in or identifying with a social group, ensure your intentions for why you are joining that community are clear and purposeful.
Make sure you are actively seeking out and contributing to life-giving communities in your life, rather than just checking a box for community involvement.
Look for communities that are not built on weaponized belongingness, false belongingness, or fitting in.
Seek out communities that are built on unconditional love and acceptance.
Shift your expectations and definitions of friendship, community, and relationships.
Take the time to deeply consider what they should look like.
When you do that, you begin to ask for more.
You expect more.
You look for more.
Your standards are higher.
Your boundaries become stronger.
And, my hope is that you will find spaces and places where life is being poured into you, you are loved and accepted unconditionally, and you truly belong.
Make sure to read the one where I talk more about my beloved book club full of unlikely friends.
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hooks, b. (2018). All About Love: New Visions . HarperCollins.
Bell, R. (2011). Love wins: A book about heaven, hell, and the fate of every person who ever lived.
Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Vermilion.
Cover art by Alena Ganzhela used under license
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