Why breakups hurt so bad
Hi! I’m Katie, and I’m a cultural and social psychologist—but you can think of me as your BFF with a PhD. I live in the desert of Texas alongside the cacti, roadrunners, and horned lizards. If you’re looking to understand your inner landscape and the whirlwind of the world around you, I hope you find something of value here. Make sure to subscribe—and you won’t miss a beat! Thank you so much for being here.
I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here.1
Breakups have the ability to make us feel this way, don’t they?
They can crush us.
Wreck us.
Ruin us.
Have you ever wondered why they hurt so much?
Even if you know the choice to break is the right one?
Even if you’re ready?
What is the psychology behind why breakups are so painful?
RELATIONAL IDENTITY
If you’re a woman reading this with an eager ear, there are two things that make us distinct from men in relationships—generally speaking.
Disclaimer: remember that all psychology findings are generalities. We’re talking about trends and tendencies here. Not hard-and-fast boxes that we place on people. These trends may ring true for some women and not for others. They may also ring true for men. Again, remember. Psychology research findings = trends.
The first is that we tend to have something called relational identity.2
This means that our identity tends to be derived from our relationships.
To illustrate the concept, consider this exercise.
If you were to ask men to make a list of 20 “I am” statements, you’ll find things like this.
I am smart.
I am successful.
I am a lawyer.
I am an athlete.
Women, on the other hand, will likely make a list of items such as this.
I am a friend.
I am a daughter.
I am a mother.
In other words, our identity is much more wrapped up in who we are to other people.
Therefore, when we go through a breakup, not only does it rattle us in the normal ways any dissolution of an important relationship might.
But, it also disrupts our sense of who we are.
Even if we knew the relationship was destined to dissolve, once that relationship does finally end, it can cause a ripple effect across our psyche as we then work to put the pieces back together of who we believe ourselves to be.
You may have spent months subconsciously (or conciously) identifying as so-and-so’s girlfriend, wife, or partner.
Once that relationship is no more, you may begin to question “well, now who am I?”
RELATIONSHIP-CONTINGENT SELF-ESTEEM
Another key marker that we find in research that makes women distinctly different from men is that we tend to have something social psychologists call relationship-contingent self-esteem.3
So, not only do we see our relationships and the roles we play within them as a vital part of who we are—our identity—but the quality of those relationships also determines how good or bad we feel about ourselves.
Men are able to compartmentalize their lives to a greater degree.
If a man has a fight with his partner before heading to work that day, he is much more able to set that relationship conflict on the shelf, head to work, do his job without interruption, and then carry himself back to pick up his relationship woes at the end of the day.
If a woman experiences a conflict in a friendship, that conflict permeates her entire being.
It affects how she shows up to her job, how she shows up to her other relationships, and how she shows up for herself.
She begins to not only feel negatively about how that relationship is going—perhaps experiencing sadness, anxiety, worry, or grief—but she is also likely to begin feeling negatively about herself, as well.
As women, our self-esteem in any given moment is highly dependent upon how our relationships are going in that moment in time.
So, not only do our relationships inform who we see ourselves to be, but they also influence how positively or negatively we feel about ourselves.
If my relationships are going great, I tend to feel great about myself.
If I’m experiencing troubles in my relationships (familial relationships, friendships, close intimate relationships, etc.), then I may also feel poorly about myself.
You can begin to imagine that when women are processing a breakup, it not only affects our vision of who we are and what we mean to the world, but it also agitates our sense of how good we are and our own personal sense of value.
Take the latest Taylor song added to Spotify, You’re Losing Me, a vault track from her Midnights album (which by the way, has hit No. 46 on the Billboard Hot 100 at the time of writing this after only two days of tracking and with little to no marketing, I might add).
“How long could we be a sad song
'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life?
I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy
And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier
Fighting in only your army
Frontlines, don't you ignore me”
As she continues to process the demise of her relationship, she goes on:
“And I wouldn't marry me either
A pathological people pleaser
Who only wanted you to see her”
And, you can see how her self-esteem begins to break down.
Likely, many of us have also felt this.
We make a partner our entire world—it’s what we do as women with high relational identity.
Our role becomes girlfriend, partner, wife.
Our job—as we see it—begins to revolve around being a good one of those (girlfriend, partner, wife).
And, then when something in that relationship breaks down and gives way, we start to question not only our role in the relationship and the value it gives back—but we also begin to question ourselves.
BREAKUPS ARE STRESS-INDUCING
Breakups have been noted as one of the top 10 most stressful events in life.
They can cause a wave of heavy and hard emotions.
Those emotions also aren’t one and done.
Now that your relationship is no more, you have to relive those hard emotions every time someone asks you about your former partner.
Breakups can also cause tangible challenges, like dealing with shared possessions—things like a home, an apartment, even a pet.
As I’ve researched the effect of relationship dissolution on women, one common theme is also the financial burden it places on women who may have been sharing financial responsibilities with their partner or who gave up a career to support their partner through childcare and household responsibilities.
We can all agree that breakups can be one of the most formative experiences in our lives.
Even if we’ve found The 1 further down the road.
Those memories and emotions stick us—for life even.
But, consider all of these struggles compounded by a prospective identity crisis.
It’s a lot.
So, next time you are supporting a loved one who has gone through a recent breakup or you, yourself, are experiencing one, remember how impactful these times can be.
Remember how deep the pain can grow roots and spread.
And, give yourself and others the space to grieve, breathe, and heal.
Make sure to read the one where I talk about why women love a good breakup anthem by Taylor Swift.
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This is a lyric from one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs, All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version).
Read this academic article for an interesting look at how relational identity affects our day-to-day.
Read more about relationship-contingent self esteem in this academic article.
Cover art by Alena Ganzhela used under license
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