Why gift-giving is not a shallow love language
Welcome to a special Christmas edition of The Psychology Behind It!
Let’s face it.
If you’re truly honest with yourself, you love to open a great gift that’s been calling to you from under the Christmas tree.
I mean, who doesn’t love to open a beautifully-wrapped, enticing gift that’s been patiently waiting under the tree?!
But—lean in, I have a little-known secret.
Some of us really, really love it.
Some of us simply can’t wait to see what perfectly-paired and deliciously thoughtful gift our partner, friend, or loved one has chosen for us this year.
Receiving gifts is like a mirror into our soul.
By untyping the ribbon and unveiling what awaits under the giftwrap, you get a glimpse into how that person sees you.
Whether it’s a parfum they just knew you would love or the last remaining signed Taylor Swift vinyl that you’re missing in your collection, the gift they’ve chosen for you reveals a peek into the vision your loved one has of you.
If you’ve received a gift that’s particularly thoughtful—perhaps it was that painting you wanted in the art store on that weekend getaway to Taos—you know your partner listens to you, cares for you, knows and loves you.
And, the thought behind it all feels so deliciously good.
Seeing what someone has chosen for you, how they wrapped the item, their handwriting on the gift tag—it’s all a look into your loved one’s personality, as well.
You get to see exactly who you are (in their eyes) and who they are by the gift they’ve chosen and styled for you.
And, if you’re a true gift-giver at heart, you love giving gifts, too.
You likely love the giving part more than you love receiving gifts.
You’re the one who loves to spend countless hours curating that perfect Christmas gift for everyone on your list.
You’ve listened with a fine-tuned ear to your loved ones all year long.
Taking in tiny sips of who they are, what makes them tick, and what lights them up inside.
Then, it’s the thrill of the find.
You spend countless hours searching for that perfect gift that you know thoroughly matches their insides, speaks to their soul, and will draw the perfect smile once it’s unwrapped.
And, you love to intricately style your gifts, as well.
It’s a creative exercise.
To find the perfect paper that expresses who you are and how much you love and care for your loved one.
To tie the ribbon with precision.
And, delicately pen your name and theirs on the glittering tag.
If this describes you, my friend—you are a true gift-giver.
Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, calls this niche need “Receiving Gifts™”.1
And, it’s one of five ways a person may give and receive love, according to Chapman’s research and books.
Yet, Receiving Gifts™ often sits among the others—Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service—with an inferior aura around it.
It seems to get a bad rap when compared to the other four.
Those who are Quality Timers may look down on gift-givers.
Words of Affirmation folks may find a sense of superiority to their gift-giving counterparts.
Some even proclaiming that those of us who claim gift-giving as their love language are superficial, shallow, or even worse—gold diggers.
Do a quick search on Reddit, and you’ll find many posts of people complaining about gift-givers.
Here are a few of the comments I found while digging around Reddit:
“‘Gift Giving’ shouldn't even be considered a type of love language.”
“I hate when people say receiving gifts is their ‘love language’.”
“Let’s be honest here. You mean to tell me that your partner is required to spend money on you in order for you to feel loved? Get over yourself honestly, it’s 2021-grow up and buy your own stuff.”
“Calling it a ‘love language’ is just an attempt to tell yourself you're not a gold digger.”
This one that takes the cake for me:
“For what it’s worth, I have never seen a guy say that their ‘love language’ is gift-giving.”
Yikes.
But, here’s the real psychology behind gift-giving as a way of expressing and receiving love.