Why gift-giving is not a shallow love language
Hi! I’m Katie, and I’m a cultural and social psychologist—but you can think of me as your BFF with a PhD. I live in the desert of Texas alongside the cacti, roadrunners, and horned lizards. If you’re looking to understand your inner landscape and the whirlwind of the world around you, I hope you find something of value here. Make sure to subscribe—and you won’t miss a beat! Thank you so much for being here.
Welcome to a special Christmas edition of The Psychology Behind It!
Let’s face it.
If you’re truly honest with yourself, you love to open a great gift that’s been calling to you from under the Christmas tree.
I mean, who doesn’t love to open a beautifully-wrapped, enticing gift that’s been patiently waiting under the tree?!
But—lean in, I have a little-known secret.
Some of us really, really love it.
Some of us simply can’t wait to see what perfectly-paired and deliciously thoughtful gift our partner, friend, or loved one has chosen for us this year.
Receiving gifts is like a mirror into the soul.
By untying the ribbon and unveiling what awaits under the giftwrap, you snatch a glimpse of how that person sees you.
Whether it’s a parfum they just knew you would love or the last remaining signed Taylor Swift vinyl that you’re missing in your collection, the gift they’ve chosen for you reveals a peek into the vision your loved one has of you.
If you’ve received a gift that’s particularly thoughtful—perhaps it was that painting you wanted in the art store on that weekend getaway to Taos—you know your partner listens to you, cares for you, knows and loves you.
And, the thought behind it all feels so deliciously good.
Seeing what someone has chosen for you, how they wrapped the item, their handwriting on the gift tag—it’s all a look into your loved one’s personality, as well.
You get to see exactly who you are (in their eyes) and who they are by the gift they’ve chosen and styled for you.
And, if you’re a true gift-giver at heart, you love giving gifts, too.
You likely love the giving part more than you love receiving gifts.
You’re the one who loves to spend countless hours curating that perfect Christmas gift for everyone on your list.
You’ve listened with a fine-tuned ear to your loved ones all year long.
Taking in tiny sips of who they are, what makes them tick, and what lights them up inside.
Then, it’s the thrill of the find.
You spend countless hours searching for that perfect gift that you know thoroughly matches their insides, speaks to their soul, and will draw the perfect smile once it’s unwrapped.
And, you love to intricately style your gifts, as well.
It’s a creative exercise.
To find the perfect paper that expresses who you are and how much you love and care for your loved one.
To tie the ribbon with precision.
And, delicately pen your name and theirs on the glittering tag.
If this describes you, my friend—you are a true gift-giver.
GIFT-GIVING AS A LANGUAGE
Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, calls this niche need “Receiving Gifts™”.1
And, it’s one of five ways a person may give and receive love, according to Chapman’s research and books.
Yet, Receiving Gifts™ often sits among the others—Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service—with an inferior aura around it.
It seems to get a bad rap when compared to the other four.
Those who are Quality Timers may look down on gift-givers.
Words of Affirmation folks may find a sense of superiority to their gift-giving counterparts.
Some even proclaiming that those of us who claim gift-giving as their love language are superficial, shallow, or even worse—gold diggers.
Do a quick search on Reddit, and you’ll find many posts of people complaining about gift-givers.
Here are a few of the comments I found while digging around Reddit:
“‘Gift Giving’ shouldn't even be considered a type of love language.”
“I hate when people say receiving gifts is their ‘love language’.”
“Let’s be honest here. You mean to tell me that your partner is required to spend money on you in order for you to feel loved? Get over yourself honestly, it’s 2021-grow up and buy your own stuff.”
“Calling it a ‘love language’ is just an attempt to tell yourself you're not a gold digger.”
This one that takes the cake for me:
“For what it’s worth, I have never seen a guy say that their ‘love language’ is gift-giving.”
Yikes.
But, here’s the real psychology behind gift-giving as a way of expressing and receiving love.
NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION
What these Reddit posters are missing is that a true gift-giver at heart longs for thought, time, and effort to go into the gift-giving process.
To select a perfect gift for another, you have to really pay attention.
You have to listen.
You have to care.
In addition, executing the perfect gift requires many of the other love languages.
It takes Quality Time to get to know a person well enough to give them a thoughtful gift.
And, it takes Quality Time to plan and execute the right gift.
Finding the perfect gift requires a commitment of time spent on researching, planning, and curating.
Further, gift-givers tend to be very good at remembering special days or events in another person’s life.
They keep these moments in time tucked away in their minds.
When that time comes—whether it’s a birthday, the anniversary of the death of a loved one, or an important meeting or presentation that’s looming—they often acknowledge those important moments with a thoughtful gesture.
They may send flowers.
A simple text saying “You got this!”
Or treat you to a dinner out at your favorite spot for your big day.
If the item serves a specific need, it can also be a form of Act of Service.
A person may meet the need of a friend, partner, or loved one by sharing a gift.
And, while handing over a gift doesn’t exactly require words, it’s a non-verbal expression of Words of Affirmation.
It says: “I love you enough that I’ve listened to you, deeply know you, and am reflecting that back to you through a thoughtful item".
Communication experts say that nonverbal communication is much more important than verbal communication.
Experts say that 90% of our communication happens not through words, but through our actions.2
Gift-giving can be an excellent expression of our love and care for another person.
Through this act of service and non-verbal means of communication that’s required quality time, the right gift with depth of thought behind it can leave a person feeling seen, known, and yes—loved.
WHAT MAKES A GIFT
Further, a great gift isn’t defined by its price, its size, or its prestige to a gift-giver.
It doesn’t have to be expensive or flashy.
In fact, a great gift is personalized.
It requires true effort of all of the above—listening well, knowing a person deeply, caring enough to take time and expend effort.
It’s a book that means something to the recipient—a used, well-loved edition is often best.
Or it’s a handmade ornament of paper mache lovingly created by a child.
The wrapping can also be an expression of love.
Does the gift come with a thoughful, handwritten card attached?
Is it wrapped in one’s favorite color?
A gift doesn’t always have to be a tangible thing either.
It can also be an experience.
Maybe it’s a gift of Quality Time—2 tickets to a movie that’s meaningful, a weekend trip to a loved one’s hometown, or couple horseback riding lessons that one has been wanting since childhood.
In fact, psychological research has found that experiential gifts can foster strong social relationships.3
Further, that research has shown that the bond that is built through an experiential gift does not necessarily come when the recipient unwraps the gift, but when the gift is consumed (when the lessons are taken or the trip is complete).
WHO YOU ARE MATTERS
As a social psychologist, I know well that our relationships matter.
Our social connections and our sense of belonging is important to our lived experience as humans.
And, psychological research has shown time and time again that gifts function as an essential means to build these important connections.4
Who you are matters.
And, an important part of who you are is how you feel loved and how you show love in your social relationships.
I’ve witnessed far too many people cover or mask who they are so that others won’t think something undesirable about them.
And, many of them float through relationships not receiving love in the ways that most fill up their cup.
Remember that in order to have fulfilling and life-giving social connections, we have to do the hard thing of communicating to others who we are and what we need.
If we try to mask who we are at our core, we may wind up feeling overlooked, neglected, and worse—rejected.
If, instead, you’re reading this in hopes to better understand the gift-givers in your life, thank you for being here.
Remember that it’s important to see and honor our differences, especially in the people we love.
We should want for the people that we love to feel our love.
Stay mindful of how the people in our lives express and receive love—even if it’s not the same way we express and receive it.
Seek not necessarily to understand it, but to find the value in it that it provides to the other.
Seize the opportunity to appreciate the other and show the other that they matter to us through the means that matter most to them.
Meet the important people in your life where they are—don’t seek to change them into an exact copy of yourself.
Above all, let us all remember on today—a day of rich meaning, whimsy, and yes—even gift-giving, that it’s the connections in our life that matter.
Our connections with ourselves and with others.
And, let us continue to chase after deep and meaningful connection.
Make sure to read the one where I talk more about the importance of social connection in our lives.
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Here is a list of some other great academic articles on the psychology behind gift-giving:
Algoe, Sara B., Jonathan Haidt, and Shelly Gable (2008), “Beyond Reciprocity: Gratitude and Relationships in Everyday Life,” Emotion, 8 (3), 425–29.
Dunn, Elizabeth W., Lara B. Aknin, and Michael I. Norton (2008a), “Spending Money on Others Promotes Happiness,” Science, 319, 1687–88.
Dunn, Elizabeth W., Jeff Huntsinger, Janetta Lun, and Stacey Sinclair (2008b), “The Gift of Similarity: How Good and Bad Gifts Influence Relationships,” Social Cognition, 26 (4), 469–81.
Ruth, Julie A., Cele C. Otnes, and Fre ́de ́ric F. Brunel (1999), “Gift Receipt and the Reformulation of Interpersonal Relationships,” Journal of Consumer Research, 25 (4), 385–402.
Sherry, John F., Jr. (1983), “Gift Giving in Anthropological Perspective,” Journal of Consumer Research, 10 (September), 157–68.
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Cover art by Alena Ganzhela used under license
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