Why everyone is right when they say you should be authentic
Hi! I’m Katie, and I’m a cultural and social psychologist—but you can think of me as your BFF with a PhD. I live in the desert of Texas alongside the cacti, roadrunners, and horned lizards. If you’re looking to understand your inner landscape and the whirlwind of the world around you, I hope you find something of value here. Make sure to subscribe—and you won’t miss a beat! Thank you so much for being here.
Authenticity has become a buzzword these days, but that shouldn’t dilute its importance.
Even though lots of folks have something to say about it, one thing I often don’t hear folks talking about is the nuance that should be added to conversations about authenticity.
Let’s talk about the psychology behind it.
SHAKING THINGS UP
When we’re talking about authenticity, we’re generally also talking about shaking up the status quo–simply by default.
For most of us, showing up as our authentic selves involves disrupting patterns of “how we normally do things”.
Shaking up the status quo may not always be easy.
It can come with some risks and even some consequences.
As we’ll see, enacting change can make others uncomfortable and even upset.
Others can leave us feeling like advocating for change is not okay.
But, I hope that after reading this, you’ll recognize that disrupting patterns is actually a pretty okay thing to do.
And, sometimes, it’s even necessary.
DEFINING AUTHENTICITY
Because of the risk involved with practicing authenticity, I’m going to show you how to bring nuance and safety into the process of practicing authenticity.
There are some very real benefits to showing up authentically in our lives, and we don’t want to miss out on those opportunities simply because of the risk it oftentimes takes.
Let’s start our conversation by defining authenticity.
I love Brené Brown’s definition of authenticity from her book, Braving the Wilderness.1
She says this: "authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are”.
If you’ve been hanging around The Psychology Behind It for awhile, you know that I firmly believe in the importance of identity.
To be authentic, we have to first know who we are.
Once we have found confidence and clarity in who we truly are, the next piece of that process is going out into the world and presenting our true selves.
Authenticity is the hard work of stepping out in our identity.
STEP 1: RECOGNIZE THAT AUTHENTICITY IS A PRACTICE
The first step to baking authenticity into your being is recognizing that authenticity is a practice.
It is something that we have to keep trying and trying again to do.
You likely won’t get it right the first time, second time, or seventieth time.
It can be messy, and the art of mastering it is complex.
It's not easy or something that you decide to do without tools.
t's not a task or a box you check or a flip you can switch.
There may be times that you show up in your true authenticity.
Then, you might immediately follow that up by not showing up in the way that you wanted to.
You will have to try and try again.
This is the process.
So, have patience with yourself.
Don’t expect to always get it right.
When you fall down and mess up, don’t buy into the narrative that something is wrong with you.
Just get right back up.
We're all going to make mistakes, and it's the mistakes that propel us forward.
First and foremost, remember that authenticity is a practice.
STEP 2: FACE ANY RESISTANCE TO CHANGE
When you begin to practice authenticity, others around you will undoubtedly notice.
When you begin to show up as your truest self, people may experience this as a threat to the status quo.
Working to enact change is not going to be everyone's favorite thing.
Others may not necessarily love that you are living out who you truly are.
Change often evokes resistance in humans.
Psychologists have coined this type of behavior as resistance to change (Folger and Konovsky, 1989).2
When people experience change, a primary coping response is fear.
They may see the perceived change as experienced unfairness which results in negative attitudes and acting adversely and in opposition to the change they are perceiving.
They may say to you, "you've changed!” as a means of insult.
This type of response may also be an attempt to shame you back into your inauthentic self as a means to control you.
Others may accuse you of being inauthentic or incongruent as you work to present your true self.
People may even brand you as a dissenter.
They may say to you, "You've changed. You used to be or believe in this thing. Now, you’re something else. You believe in that new thing. Who even are you?"
If someone in your life is threatened by your authenticity, they may typecast you, brand you, or even dehumanize you simply because you are challenging the status quo.
Once you understand that these responses of others are simply responses of fear, you will be more likely to remember that it’s not about you.
Then, begin to build great boundaries in these social relationships.
It’s important to not give way to this resistance.
Recognize it as a natural response to change and not to you and who you are becoming.
STEP 3: STAND YOUR GROUND
Learn how to safeguard yourself when practicing authenticity, so that you can field any resistance without questioning yourself.
It’s important that you adopt grounding practices.
This can be as simple as adopting a mantra to repeat to yourself in these moments of social challenge.
"I am making different choices, but I am not doing anything wrong" may be a great mantra to try on for size.
In Braving the Wilderness, Brown says:
"Don't shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand your sacred ground."
This may another great mantra to adopt.
Write it on a post-it note and attach it to your mirror.
Or save it to your phone’s lock screen.
When people start to question, accuse, or brand you, don't shrink away.
Don't back down.
But, also–don’t puff up.
Once you begin to step into your true self, hold your beliefs and identity with ease.
This is not an exercise in convincing anyone else to see it your way.
You don't have to prove yourself.
Instead, stand your ground.
Don't shrink.
Don't puff up in an attempt to force others to approve of you or who you’ve become.
Stay grounded and stay authentic and true to who you are, what you believe, and what you want out of your life.
NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE WORTHY OF YOUR STORY
Authenticity requires balance and discernment.
Not all people are worthy of your truth or your story.
There may be times when you need to build a boundary and not share your most authentic self or beliefs.
Learn to recognize when it’s safe to share and when it’s best to keep parts of your authentic self to yourself.
This is not inauthentic.
This is a self-protection mechanism that is okay to employ in moments when you are interacting in an unsafe environment.
As Taylor Swift says:
“You don't have to answer, just 'cause they asked you. The greatest of luxuries is your secrets.”
You are the keeper or your story and your secrets, and you get to decide when to share those things.
THE REWARD IS GREAT
So, why should we practice authenticity?
Especially when it’s hard?
Especially when we can anticipate that there’s going to be much risk involved?
What's the reward?
Why even choose it at all?
Novelist Katherine Center says:
"You have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs."
This is one of the reasons we choose authenticity.
Think about your own life.
When you began to step into authenticity and the fullness of who you are and what you believe, what did it take?
I'm willing to guess that it likely took watching someone else do it.
When you are brave, authentic, and vulnerable, you give others the permission slip to do the same.
We also may choose authenticity, because it makes a difference.
It can shake up the status quo for good, because the status quo may need to be changed.
I love this quote from Maya Angelou:
"You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”
“The price is high."
People are going to say you've changed.
People are going to say, "I don’t know who you are anymore!” as a means to insult and deter you.
There may be costs to your relationships and even to your social reputation.
However, "the reward is great", because now you get to live your life, not someone else's.
You are no longer acting a script that someone else has handed to you.
You're creating one.
You're the playwright.
You're the screenwriter.
And, that creative reward is great.
Make sure to read the one where I talk about why your identity matters.
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Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Vermilion.
Folger, R., & Konovsky, M. A. (1989). Effects of procedural and distributive justice on reactions to pay raise decisions. Academy of Management Journal, 32(1), 115–130.
Cover art by Alena Ganzhela used under license